Daddy...If Only

I was rummaging through the contents of an old shoe box which I sentimentally labeled as "My Prized Possession" when I come across a worn-out black and white photograph of a man boarding a plane.
Suddenly I was transported 20 years back down memory lane.....
It is a sunny day. But the atmosphere is gloomy. There are so many people and most of them are wearing either white or black. I am even wearing a pretty white dress.....

Perhaps it is my mom's crying, my sister's sobs and my brother's tears that contributed to its gloominess. Hey wait, everybody is crying. Lolo and Lola....and that elderly man who always call my dad "dodong" and that one standing next to him who always address dad as "Pare" have tears in there eyes. Everybody is so sad. Maybe that is the only reason why I started crying........

Growing up without a dad never dawned on me not until I reached high school. All my friends seem to have fathers. One would say "My papa bought this for me." Another one would say "Sorry guys I can’t stay late my dad says I need to be home by 10." My papa that, my daddy this.........And I was always like "My mama says..." Not that I’m complaining because my mother is the best. It’s just that something is lacking. I’m missing something...I even wondered how life would have been if only daddy were around.....

I often find myself staring at a father and daughter walking hand in hand every time I see a pair. How I envied them. And during Sunday meetings at our kingdom hall, when a daddy would carry off his little girl outside the hall and try to calm her of her childish tantrums....and as I follow them with my eyes, I wish...that even for just a brief moment I am that little girl. I have to blink my eyes and shake myself to wake me up from my daydream. A daydream wherein daddy would be giving me a huge bear hug, of penguin walks and long bicycle rides.
I thought I was the only one missing him. I did not realize that there is someone else who misses him much more than I do. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always slept beside my mama. And every night when she thinks I am fast asleep, she gently whispers my father’s name. I cry silently. I cry twice as hard, not for myself but for the woman who is longing for the only man she truly loves.............

Funny, how at one point my in life, all those missing, yearning, wishing and longing turned to hate. Yes, I had hated my father. I hated him for not being there for my mom and for leaving us behind, for not being amongst the crowd who were applauding for my achievements, for not being there to scrutinize a suitor, for not giving me a big fatherly hug when I needed one, for simply not being there! I hated him!

But looking back at that point in my life...I know that the hatred I thought I had was unfounded. Because deep in my heart I know, that the man a barely know have such a great impact in my life. And because of his sacrifices, I am who I am now...and where I am today. Looking back at the old photograph.......I say more to myself "I may not be the perfect daughter, but daddy, if only you are here, you would have been proud of me."

Tooot! Tooot! I’m back to reality. 1 message received. Mama. “How are you palangga? I love you..... “ Ahh, in spite of everything life is sweet..................